Getting down to the broken roots of the problem

With all the preparation and expectation of my fruitless sentence planning board, I've overlooked mentioning my experience of the Prison Service's own version of waterboarding. The dentist.

I mentioned in these columns that fear had kept me from the hands of this white-clad torturer, but then sheer pain forced me to swallow humble pie - certainly not to chew it - and to go along to his clinic and sit in that ghastly chair.

You never know whether your dentist is actually your friend or not. They might call you Mr So-and-so which is polite but not wildly friendly. It doesn't give anything away about where they stand. However, friend or foe, nerves made me tell him straight. 'Sorry, but I am dead scared of dentists.'

'It's usually our bills that worry patients,' the nice man said, and reminded me that the NHS would be taking care of mine.

'I haven't been to a dentist for so long and that's just through fear. Frankly, I'd be happy to pay not to go.'

'Now that's an idea,' he said. 'Would you mind if I suggested it to our national council? It's sad to say after all our training, but a few of us still earn less than a GP or a banker. Charging for people who don't attend could change everything. Thank you.'

'My pleasure, sir.'

'You're a genius, Mr Gordon.'

'But worried. The likely pain?'

'No worry, not a problem. You won't feel anything. Well, not much, at least very little. We've come a long way since the days of your last visit, even if the salaries haven't.'

When the tools and hands and other things were removed from my mouth, he said, 'One filling, that's what we will need to do.'

One solitary filling. I could hardly believe my good fortune.

'Mind you, we will need to do something with the teeth that are broken off and crumbled.'

He invited his playmate in white to have a good luck inside. 'Oh, dear,' she said. 'Well, well ... I see what you mean. Root treatment?'

'Root treatment indeed,' he said.

'Root treatment?' I repeated when my mouth was uncluttered again. It sounded vaguely like an Australian term for a routine that's quite different.

The dentist seemed to be choosing words with care. 'It's a ... well, it's a surgical treatment.'

The nurse confirmed, 'Yes, a surgical treatment.'

'It won't hurt, not really, but it will be, might be, could be, well, uncomfortable.'

'Yes, uncomfortable,' the dental nightingale echoed.

'But it doesn't take long.'

However, the session was postponed. I will be told when they can perform their surgery, when it won't take long. But I suspect the waiting is going to feel like a very long time indeed. All about Roger's injustice is told on his website, here.